This deployment has been a series of peaks and troughs, wavelengths of high and lows that have at present left me exhausted and at times indifferent. I started this blog because I wanted to see the transition of what would become of me and I see that nothing has changed except that I am still the same emotional mess I was when I began. Except now, I have forgotten what is important to me.
I wanted to conserve that piece of myself that missed my life back home. I wanted to preserve myself from missing my home--my family and friends and way of living. In doing so, I fear I have become but a shell of indifference. A robot, a golem, a machine who has replaced loving and the feeling of being loved with work and projects and minutiae of day to day activities.
My day is filled to the brim and none of it fills me. Nothing fulfills me and it has almost become a torture to see pictures of the Bug because I know that when I talk to her, I am irrelevant too. Life goes on at home while this Neverland keeps me preserved in a formaldehyde jar of day to day crap.
Work, study, homework, run, and there's no room left for emotions, there's no room left for love, there's no room left for my human side because allowing the human side to take over would destroy me.
I was hoping to update posts with silly drawings and comical illustrations. But today, this is all I am--trite.